Here lately I have been experiencing a fair amount of negative self-talk, anxiety, and fear. In all areas. Socially, professionally, and with this attempt to get my music out into the world, ESPECIALLY artistically. I’ve dealt with writer’s block, performance anxiety, approach anxiety and you-name-it anxiety. It ain’t a picnic, put it that way.
Yet strangely I do not doubt myself. Today I found myself walking through part of the rehab facility I was admitted to in 2006. Fitting, in a way, as tomorrow will be the 6th anniversary of the day I got out. I had myself admitted 11 days prior after suffering through the worst four years of my life. The journey that is recovery is still far from over, but you could say I’m LIGHT YEARS different and better off now than I was then. Yeah, you could say that.
But I digress. My point is, whatever anxieties I have now, and whatever I may have in the future, ain’t nothin’ compared to what I have had, and what I have triumphed over already. I knew what I wanted then, and I know what I want now. And guess what? They’re largely one and the same.
The difference is that I know how to handle the anxiety. Hardly a day goes by when I don’t have one of my old Obsessive Compulsive thoughts. Usually more than one. But by now I know an OCD doubt when I see it. You can’t let fear rule you.
It’s okay to be afraid or unsure. But if you want something, (or for that matter someone) you have to go after it. You have to throw caution to the wind.
I’m not where I thought I’d be. That much I admit. But I have a much clearer picture of how to get what I want, and for once I’m working towards it. Wow. That’s a pretty big admission, just typing that.